a day in the life...

after spending three weeks down in the mara doing everything from managing camps to guiding, ive compiled some pretty good stories and had some very interesting clients. but rather than drone on and on about the entire three weeks, ive taken the best stories from my time down there and condensed them into one day, set with some of the more obnoxious clients that i have had on safari. while the events are true, they did not all happen in the same day, but thats how im going to write it, so live with it. without further ado, i give you a day in the life of me, the safari guide, manager and general camp bitch

somewhere between 4am and 6am: yes, i know, its early and most of you that know me well enough know that i dont usually operate at this time of day, but things are different here and ive grown accustomed to it. so depending upon the plans for the day, this is when im getting up.

after an especially rough night around the campfire with clients and multiple bottles of wine, i find myself laying awake in my tent around 5:45. rather than wait for my usual wake up call at 6am, i decide to get out of bed and head to the kitchen tent for some coffee.

what usually happens is that an overly cheery masai man brings coffee to me in the morning and wakes me up with a nice 'jambo bwana', which he says at least 6 times before i can manage an answer, which is usually some sort of indecipherable grunt and a 'thanks.' while i always thank him, i secretly hate this guy for waking me up after what usually seems like only minutes of sleep.

as i walk down to the kitchen, slumped over, barely able to carry myself and only with coffee on my mind to kill the elephant sized headache that i know is coming, i notice that the masai are waving frantically at me and jumping around as if there was some sort of imminent danger looming ahead. but they werent making a sound, just flailing about...frolicking, almost, if you will.
too tired to do anything about it, i walk on towards them, very confused. when i finally get to them i realize what all the fuss is about. on the path parallel to the one i was walking on, about 10yds to my right, was a lioness crouched under a bush looking at me as if i was her next meal. i dont know why, but for some reason she decided, thankfully, not to snack on me. upon seeing her, i simaltaneously preform all my bodily functions from my nether regions and freeze with fear as she is now about 15yds away from us.

i grab a spear leaning against the tree that one of the guards had left from the previous night and debate what the hell i am going to do. in hindsight, i have no idea why i grabbed a spear. the only thing i would have done if the lion had charged would have been to turn, run, stumble and impale myself on my useless weapon and turn into a sort of human kebab for the lion to munch on as a nice apertif before before moving onto something more delicious, such as a baby buffalo, or perhaps the rest of the crew.

after regaining my senses we all back slowly into the kitchen tent and pray no other clients will walk out and become lion breakfast (although i later decide that i want to feed a client to a lion). she eventually left and walked out of camp. looking back on it, its a good thing i didnt see her when she was looking to eat me because, contrary to everything ive been taught about such situations, i would have panicked and probably tried to run. that would have made me look like a giant toy for her to chase, much like a house cat going after a mouse on a string. the only reason i can think that she didnt eat me was because i continued walking and at one point, i was walking right at her, which only served to confuse the hungry lioness. but alas, i am still alive and now i have a good story.

i head back to my tent to get ready for the morning and, more importantly, to grab a clean pair of boxers....

6:15am: the clients arrive at the mess tent for another cup of tea or coffee and we discuss the days plans. the ones on this particular day a group of 6 adults and 7 children, most of which work for the british high commission in nairobi. and yes, the fit the colonial stereotype perfectly.

one of the men shows up for the morning drive wearing the de rigeur safari gear of a 1950's big game hunter; hard brimmed sombrero-type hat, khaki shirt with enough pockets for a japanese toursits' entire camera kit and then some, khaki vest with everything short of bullets crammed into all the pockets, too-short shorts which show off a healthy set of milk-white thighs that havent seen the sun since the dissolution of the british empire and a pair of safari boots with knee high socks which still come a good meter short of the hem on his pair of ball-hugging shorts. his camera, which resmebles the Hubble telescope, looks as if it is more equipped to take close ups of the planet mars than be lugged around on a safari.

i nearly spit coffee out of my nose in a containted fit of laughter.

6:35am: the cars are loaded up with the clients and one of the pint-sized terrors, in a very thick british accent, informs me that last time she was here she saw three lions and then demanded that we see lions today.

'brilliant!' exclaims one of the men in the group, 'some lions would be jolly good, lets find them!'

'sure', i think, 'let me just phone up simba and the gang and well meet up on the ridge. and could they please bring something large to kill, like a buffalo, for the enjoyment of my guests.'

i decide then and there that the first lion i see will be fed one of the children as a quick morning snack since they didnt get their paws on me.

7:27am: 'an elephant, i see an elephant!' one of the kids yells from the back. i immediately realize its an ostrich, but youd be amazed at how often someone mistakes these 400lb birds for a 4 ton land mammal.

they insist that we go see the 'elephant' eventhough i have told them it is in fact a large bird. they dont believe me, so i drive on.

7:30am: holy shit, its an ostrich. is it too early for a beer?

8:45am: ive spotted a cheetah and after making quick tracks over to the animal, i field questions like 'when are we going to see the lions?' they are never happy, its never enough with these people.

not only is a cheetah an amazing sight, she seems to have been knocked up. so in a few weeks well have some little baby cheetah running around near camp so i can impress future clients with the little furballs.

although they are desperate for a lion, the kids seem to enjoy the cheetah, as any sane person should. they, despite my many attempts to shut them up, are bouncing around the car screaming with delight. they all tussle for a good spot on the roof until two of them break out into an explosive fight. it seems that nothing short of a UN resolution will stop this row and i simply resign myself to a day of this business.

i debate crushing up some of my adderall and throwing it in their lunchtime tea. whats the penalty for drugging children in kenya? seeing as how some parents feed their toddlers beer around lunch time so they can knock off to bed i think it cant be that bad, can it?

1,692 pictures later, were off again on a frantic search for the lions.

9:03am: i come across another safari truck headed down the road i am on. in typical fashion, i move to the side and let them pass on the narrow dirt excuse for a road. the car slows and the guide sees me behind the wheel. with a low slung astros hat, sunglasses and an addidas warm up jacket on (thanks anders), i do not look like the typical fourty-something white guides here in the mara.

the guide stares at me with a look thats says, 'dear lord, this tourist kid has managed to steal a safari truck and in the process has kidnapped a carload of clients.' we pass and he looks utterly confused by my presence.

9:15am: with anthony some miles ahead of me, im making tracks down to the kenya-tanzania border to see if we can pick up some of the wildebeest making their way in from the serengetti. im pretty confident that i know my way around now, and how hard can it be to find 1.5million noisy animals...

9:17am: its harder than you think. im lost. the clients are getting a bit suspicious and confidence in me is slipping with every turn and double-back i make.

'are you lost, grahhnt?' (thats how they say my name, and they insist that my own pronunciation is wrong. who am i to argue with the 'queen's english?')

'of course not', i lie. 'look over there, thats a verreaux's eagle owl.' again, a lie. its some random bird on top of a tree that i cant quite see very well but throwing out such an obscure name when they think im lost serves to restore confidence. once again, im pure gold.

this cycle of confidence continues throughout the day as i find myself lost every now and again. sometimes they have about as much faith in me as europe has in GW Bush. but i always manage to restore confidence by throwing out some nuggets of information and obscure facts about a nearby animal.

10:17am: i have regained my bearings and in the meantime ive managed to find some pretty good stuff, such as a herd of elephants. again, the children clambor for the best seat on the roof as we watch the elephants.

i field countless questions, most of which are about as intelligent as the sound of a fart. example: 'what do elephants eat?' not only is this widely known, we are at the moment watching them eat an acacia tree and grass. 'what are their tusks made of?' have you never heard of poaching for the precious substance that has brought death upon masses of elephants called ivory?

alas, i am unable to say my true thoughts and i answer in a calm, knowledgable and diplomatic fashion.

10:20am: the fight for roof real estate continues despite the fact that i have warned both the children and the parents as to the dangers of making such a racket near elephants, which although they appear peaceful, can be devastatingly aggressive creatures. they have been known to flip trucks and charge.

10:21am: the elephants have had enough. this picture was taken about 2 seconds before she charged. no pictures of the charge though, i thought it would be best to save my own life rather than document my own death.

10:57am: after fleeing for my life, which i am beginning to wish would come to an end before noon, i have found us the much sought after lion. however, it is a lone female and not the pride, complete with cubs, that they are after. nevermind the fact that this lion is scratching its back on my grill guard, the clients remain relatively unimpressed, except for a few which i have come to like

(note: the lion is so close that i have had to zoom out all the way and you can even see a bit of me in the rear view mirror)

the children are terrified now and no longer fighting for the roof. 'will she eat us? is it safe to be so close? should i roll up the window?' are all questions being fired at me right now but im much to busy watching this amazing sight to be bothered with such obnoxious inquiries

after some good lion action, we press on towards the border in search of the masses of wildebeest.

11:32am: i come across yet another safari truck but this time i know the guide. he is a masao friend of mine who works at naibor also. his english is limited so we exchange a few words in swahili as he tells me where the wildebeest herds can be found.

it is now the clients in his car that are looking at me with great confusion. their looks seem to say exactly what the lasts guides did but this time theres an added expression, which i gather to mean 'not only has the stolen a car and kidnapped clients, this young kid seems to know they language as well. perhaps its a modern day jungle book story in which his parents abandoned him in the bush and he was subsequently raised by a family of baboons. thats the only reason i can think he would be out here tutting away in swahili...'

12:00pm: after much searching, anthony and i have managed to locate the wildebeest, and not only this, they are crossing the sand river.

'why are they crossing the river?' asks one client.

i thought, given that they came to see the migration, as well as lions which they were still demanding me to find, that the answer to this question would be quite logical; its in thier way. but you can never give them too much credit. they are about as helpless as a lost puppy nipping away at the heels of some new found friend which they hope will take it home.

with the sight of the migration taken care of, we finally head back to camp for lunch.

12:34pm: once again anthony has charged ahead. im stopping at every tree and stump that the clients claim is a lion's head so my journey is taking a bit longer.

12:37pm: damnit, lost. again. but bullshit saves the day and the clients are doing just fine, and to top it all off, ive found a baby elephant down the road on which i took a wrong turn.

1:00pm: i think i see another elephant. upon closer inspection, it turns out to be an ostrick. karma is a bitch.

1:35pm: we arrive back in camp after i regain my sense of direction and much to my credit, i make no more wrong turns after the initial diorientation. (as a side note: getting lost was a phenomenon of my early days in guiding. i now pretty much know my way around our area of the park. but this particular group was the first i guided completely on my own with no masai in the car to back me up.)

after a quick lunch the clients head off for a siesta. not being too tired, despite a killer headache, a 545am wakeup and and 7 hours in a car listening to screaming children and demanding adults, i grab a chair and sit on the river with an ice cold fanta.

i begin to play a game. a hippo herd lives right on our bend of the river and at this particular time, floating down from upstream, are giant piles of hippo poo. these are roughly the size of new jersey, but only half as smelly. they are heading right for the herd of hippo in the river and my game consists of watching which one wil surface right under the masses of poop and receive a facefull of his brethrens waste.

soon a hippo pops his head out of the water. he slowly opens his eyes a giant pile heads right at him. he soon realizes the situation and, terrified, he lets out a loud bellow and tries to surface before the collision. but he does not. merde in the face. hippos 0 - me 1.

this is what happens when you spend three weeks without tv; you play games with shit.

2:22pm: as i walk back to my tent, i run into anthony who is off for a siesta.

'grahhnt, doesnt it bother you that your shorts are always around your ass?' he asks in his trademark kenyan accent.

'yes, as a matter of fact it does' i reply. but theres not much i can do about it. i debate explaining to him that its a fashion trend begun in urban areas by confused white males trying to immitate the hip-hop culture but seeing as how this does not apply to me, i pass on the explanation.

put simply, my backside is flat as a board, and shorts that used to fit, no longer stay up so well. despite my best efforts, im losing weight here. i cant understand how though; on safari youre always eating but never hungry. i pull on my double-d ring sailing belt and make a mental note to buy some new clothes.

4:36pm: after a very long morning drive, we get a late start on the afternoon. lions are the order of the day. during the night, i heard them roaring not too far away from camp so we decide to stick around the area and see if we cant find them.

5:15pm: less than a mile or two from camp i have found the lions. ive spotted them from about 300yds away and, brimming with confidence coming from a car full of satisfied clients, i charge across the grass towards the lions.

5:16pm: only its not grass. the lions have actually ensconced themeselves across a little bog on the side of a rocky hill. and that little bog now contains me and a car full of clients. im stuck.

i debate radioing to anthony to come pull me out but being that he is a few miles away, i decide to tackle the problem on my own. i radio to him that ive found lions and he is on the way but id rather him not see me stuck.

5:17pm: waiting for anthony is now totally out of the question. the lions are up and on the move towards the car. if they stop by the car, it might be hours before i can winch myself out from the nearest tree and if they happen to simply pass by, ill have a car full of very ornery brits who are wondering why i got stuck and ruined their chance at seeing a large pride.

i hop out of the car before they get too close and start unravelling the winch. the lions look at me with confusion and freeze. i think they are taking pity on me. i can almost hear them thinking, 'hey, isnt that the guy that our lady friend could have eaten this morning.'

i ask the clients if they could please keep an eye on them as i wrap the large wire around a nearby tree and try to unstick us before the lions set up shop near the car.

around the time that i have my back turned, a nearby male lets out a deafening, gut rumbling roar. i cant see him but i know that he is close, very close. the clients are amazed by my bravery...but thats just because they cant see my hands shaking and the pee running down my leg.

i turn around quickly and notice that i have not just found a few lions, but an entire pride numbering eighteen. fourteen more have emerged from a bush about 100yds away following the roar and are now on the way to meet up with the one making all the racket. so now i have an unseen male some distance away, 14 females walking towards my car (meaning that i am between them and the male) and another 3 lions coming at me from a different direction. i could not have picked a worse place to get stuck.

luckily they dont seem to keen on eating me and simply amble towards my distressed vehicle without much interest. but this doesnt do much to allay any fears that i have for my life.

5:20pm: were out. i quickly hop out and gather up with winch cable as the lions continue to close the distance. we drive over to the male, which we can now see, as the rest of the priding is heading in the same direction.

we watch the lions until sunset as the pride engages in all sorts of activity. they genearlly do whatever it is that lions do, such as....

yawning...

...and hanging out on top of termite mounds

6:47pm: the sun soon set on another great day in the mara and we headed for camp.

6:54pm: now its dark, im lost, so is anthony.

7:30pm: somehow weve managed to find our way back to camp in the night, which is about as easy as doing a rubik's cube with the lights off. i now find myself in the shower.

as i wash up, some water splashes onto the kerosene lamp perched just outside my outdoor shower tent (our guides tents, unlike the rest of the camp, do not have in-suite bathrooms. but when im at naibor its quite nice; in-suite bathrooms with flushing toilets, what a novelty.)

as soon as the water touches the super-heated glass, the glass around the lamp explodes, plunging me into total darkness and sending little bits of shards into my shower tent which i immediately step on. now with severly cut and bleeding feet and in total darkness im miserable.

i make my way back to my tent and withouth the benefit of a light to guide me, i manage to clothesline myself on one of the wires holding up the large legs of my tent. now i am cold, wet, wrapped only in a towel and bleeding all over myself as i lay in the grass around my tent. not only that, its grass and dirt, so now im filthy once again. i curse the cruel god that put me here.

i wish that lion would have killed me this morning.

8:00pm: dinner. the thought of more wine makes me want to stab myself.

9:30pm: finally, a rest. i head to my tent to get some sleep and hope for the premature depature of my clients as a result of some lion-related fatality.

3:37am: i wake up in my bed to the shrill alarm call of a dik-dik (yes, its a real animal). it sounds something like a dying bird and still being too tired to think, i dont give it much thought. but less than a minute later, i hear the unmistakable chatter of spur fowl. funny, i think. i dont usually start wishing for my shotgun or an avian genocide until around 530am when the birds really start to wake up.

it takes me a second, but i soon process the information; there is only one thing that can make these animals scared at this time of night. we have a leopard in camp, and judging by the sounds, its pretty close.

i quietly unzip the front of my tent to see if i can get a look at whats going on and take a seat in my chair. i sit still for about 3 or 4min until i see her.

in the glow of a haning kerosene lantern, about 20yds from my tent, i see the leopard plodding along through camp. the animals keep cackling away but shes not interested. shes heading for a drink in the nearby mara river and judging by how full she looks, food is the last thing on her mind.

i watch her for about a minute or so before she disappears, and it is by far the coolest moment from all my time here. she is walking through the trees light only by lanterns, her spotted yellow and black coat glistening a deep amber under the gas lights.

.....thats it, thats my day. i know it sounds like i complain a lot and the clients suck, but i love what im doing and i could not be happier here. as per the clients, most of them are lots of fun and eager to get out and see everything, but its no fun to write about those kinds of people.