what i have learned

God help us all. Somehow I have managed to find myself at the helm of a safari camp here in the mara. (well not entirely, I am working here with a 26yr old named abby that they have brought in to manage as well.) when I was told that I would be managing the place with her, I looked about as confused and dumbfounded as george bush would after being asked the square root of 4. mindblowing, really.

So weve been pretty busy here. Its tough trying to watch three movies a day and beat the heat.

Really though, its actually a ton of work and a big challenge, but im up for it and so far things are going very well. But so far has only been two days. Well see.

But as my departure draws nigh, I suppose its time to tell you all what I have learned here in the great nation of Kenya, in the shitstorm that is the African continent. Kenya has absolutely kicked my ass…but im a glutton for punishment and ive loved every minute of it. Well, almost. I could have down without the face to face encounter with a lion and being charged by a buffalo while half naked. That was a doozy. But, lets get on with the show.

· Sometimes things here make about as much sense as a taxi driver with a seeing eye dog. It really just defies logic and intuition. Take for example my waiting three hours to be fingerprinted to receive a card that will be mailed long after I have left Kenya. Fantastic, genius at work.

· Never drive at night. If you are in Nairobbery, you will be carjacked if you go anywhere outside of Karen. Theres also a good chance of your nightclub, or the one next to you, having some grenades lobbed in through the open front. Luckily, like most things in this country, the grenades usually don’t work. If you drive anywhere in the mara at night, well youre not making it back until sunrise. You will be more lost than a mormon at a porn convention.

· Trust no one. This place is more corrupt than an Italian dive in little italy. The park fees that you so diligently pay for the ‘conservation of wildlife’ usually find their way into the pockets of the tribal chieftan and county council honchos. Amazing how some maasai live in houses made of cowshit and sticks while others tool around town in a new Mercedes slk.

· Again, trust no one. Sadly, the black rhino that I posted photographs of just the other week was found dead, riddled with bullets from an AK and his horn lopped off. The massacre of an endangered species just so the Chinese can feel a bit more confident about their nether regions. Rumor has it the rangers were in on the job and will split the profits from the sale of the horn. But who can you tell? Chances are the person you tell was probably in on it all along, and if you go asking questions, you might just find yourself packaged up in some little bottle for Chinese virility.

· The going rate for an attractive british girl is about 150 cattle. I know this because one of our maasais attempted to arrange the marriage. She respectfully declined.

· When the big bang occurred, it took only a few millionths of a second for our universe to expand to the width of a couple billion light years. Also, it is not possible for us to travel beyond the speed of light. How might I know this? When youre out here, you read a lot, and I just read an absolutely riveting thriller about quantum physics. Fascinating stuff really. So fascinating that it made me want to take a bath with a toaster. If only we had toasters and bathtubs…

· Cheetahs may look quite friendly, but after this mornings adventure, im not so sure. I saw two cubs chase a wounded fawn that their mother had caught and then proceed to eat it alive. Such cute, cuddly little things.

· The absolute worst time to be charged by a buffalo is while wearing a towel at night.

· On that note, there is no good time to be charged by a buffalo.

· I recently broke the world record for the 100m dash. If you don’t believe me, go to hell. You have no idea how fast you can run when being chased by a black mamba. Afterwards, i nearly died from overexertion.

· Not only do some Chinese feel a bit bashful about their willies, they will soon own Africa. Albeit still under-endowed.

· Having your car checked for bombs when entering a hotel or a heavily guarded bar is about the most unsettling feeling ever. But this can quickly be cured by a few beers. Ahh, liquid confidence.
· Whiteboy = sucker.

· Malaria medicine is for the weak. (this will be be quite funny if, between now and the time I leave Africa, I come down with malaria. Im sure ill have a good laugh about that one.)

· Gun safety is not exactly the number one priority for the rangers out here. If you remember from a previous story, I once had a loaded AK bouncing around the back of my land cruiser while the ranger who owned the gun held his head out the window like a dog, taking in the sights and smells of a wondrous car journey. I meanwhile gripped the steering wheel ever tighter, waiting for a hail of bullets to tear me and the car apart. Also, remember the woman guard at the immigration with the automatic MP5? By the way, why the hell do you need guards at immigration?

· Rich people, for the most part, have a lot more money than they do sense.

· There is an entirely new form of timekeeping that ive discovered here. It pretty much consists of outright lies. Fifteen minutes could mean five minutes, or it could mean the day after tomorrow.

· Chefs are one of the most integral, yet quirky people who work in safari camps. Take, for instance, our Naibor chef Richard. Richard cant even tie his shoes unless hes high, much less prepare a three course dinner for twenty-two. The one day things went wrong in the kitchen, I asked what happened: Richard had run out of weed. I promptly sent him in a car to Talek to remedy the situation. He was back in an hour, high as a kite. He then proceeded to prepare one of the best lunches I have ever had, although when I asked him what it was, he totally blanked, looked around the kitchen, and simply pointed at the stove. But damn, that man can cook.

Anthony’s chef flipped one of our land cruisers. Enough said.
The chefs at ilkeliani are constantly hammered, and at least twice a month, a knife fight erupts between the two, one time resulting in six stitches. Amazingly, they are best friends. Imagine that.

As much as I hate going to the airstrip, it does provide me with some endless entertainment. I sit there in my car, watching as departing and arriving tourists simultaneously snap up their first and last memories of Kenya. Then, every once in a while, you get some clients that walk off the plane, and instead of looking like they came off a safari charter, they look like they walked out of the nyc saks fifth avenue. The makeup immediately begins to run, forming a disgusting paste on their fake-bake tan faces. And the hair. The hair, although they are walking through a 100+mph propwash, does not move an inch. Theres enough aquanet on there to immobilize a rhino. I think with enough heat and sunlight it might turn into something resembling the burning man festival out in the Nevada desert. Bottom line: people watching is great in Kenya.

Monkeys, while on the surface might seem very nice a sweet, are vicious little bastards. The other day, while walking to the bar at intrepids, a nearby lodge, a vervet jumped out of the bushes and latched onto my leg. He pounded away with his fists and just as he was preparing to sink his teeth into my leg, I was able to shake the little shithead off. Oh and also, they have neon blue balls, which is funny.
Blood diamond makes me want to kill tourists. If you remember, there was a phrase in there, ‘TIA’, meaning this is Africa. It was said in relation to the slaughter of thousands and the enslavement of a people to harvest precious natural resources. Now, it’s the tourist catchphrase. The matatu is not on time? TIA. Theres a fly in your water? TIA. Your flight is inexplicably cancelled? TIA.

NO! Its not at all. And people sound so damn stupid when they say it. I once played dumb and asked a girl ‘do Africans really say that over here?’ ‘Oh yeah’, she replied, ‘all the time.’ That’s funny. The only people ive ever heard it from are idiot Americans. Now, when I hear of a tourist drug from a rented car, beaten on the side of the road and then mugged, I might say ‘well shit man, that’s Kenya.’ But I swear, the next person I hear say TIA, im going to stab them in the jaw and really give them something to say TIA about.


And that’s all for now. I hope that you have found my life lessons entertaining. I will soon be leaving Naibor and heading to climb Mt. Kenya with my friend Billy. The plans are tentative, but assuming that the dates work out for climbing the mtn and being back in time to leave on the night of the 17th , ill get to climb. Then its off to London for a weekend to see friends from school as well as some people that I have met here. Back to work now.